Chapel of Intentions
Chapel of Rememberances

Initials: PD – Country: US

My life has become empty and unbearable. I lost my husband to cancer, then both parents. And I have MS so I have had to be extra careful during this pandemic. I no longer recognize the person I once was – confident, generous, engaged, active. Every day I wake up alone to face another day of nothingness and nobody and I feel my spirit seeping out of me like a slow leak of air from a tire. I am not ready to die, but if my life doesn’t change, I will surely die of a broken heart and unending isolation. I am not disabled, I am still able to walk, drive, etc. But now even if an opportunity to venture out comes along, I avoid bc I am afraid of having a panic or anxiety attack in front of people, so I’m having them at home. I am lost and I need for God to lead me through some open doors. I have learned that it isn’t progressive MS or heart wrenching grief that tears a person down to a pile of flesh and bones that can no longer function. It’s isolation and loneliness and the feeling of being unloved that takes us down. I am seeing doctors, but having your life fall apart is rather easy since it’s mostly done for you. But rebuilding a life is overwhelmingly hard No matter how painful this hollow existence is, as soon as an idea for activity comes along, I hit a mental brick wall of social anxiety that I’ve never had before. People that I love and that I know love me are even scary to meet back up with after all this time. Please pray that God will meet me where I am, open doors and gently lead me through them. Apparently, if you’re locked in your own house for long enough, no matter how miserable that is, agoraphobia sets in and a once confident, risk taking, fun loving person can turn into a mangle of panic and fear at the thought of even being seen. God is about freedom and flight and vibrating up high enough that we feel alive and open. He is made strong in our weaknesses. But my mindset is so narrow and negative that even my prayer life is not lined up with the God of possibilities. I need a new start.

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